


For You I Will

by crowleyhasfeels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Neglected Castiel, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-19 04:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11305770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowleyhasfeels/pseuds/crowleyhasfeels
Summary: Dean Winchester is failing High School, which means he could lose the Impala. The school, not wanting him to fail, assigns Castiel Novak to tutor him. Dean feels bad that the kid has to put up with him but soon, Dean realizes that he is the least of Castiel's problems.





	1. Dean's POV

**Author's Note:**

> This story has self-harm and a suicide attempt. You have been warned. Carry on. Also, no one beta'd this story. So, if you see any errors or problems that could be fixed to improve the story, please let me know. (Don't be rude about it, just let me know.) Beyond that, I would love to know what you all think. This is one of the first stories in length that I have actually finished. Oh yeah, don't worry that it shows being a WIP, the story is complete. I will be posting chapters up every couple of days until the seventeenth chapter is up.

            Dean Winchester had always been known as ‘the lady’s man.’ Every week, Dean seemed to have a new girl attached to his arm. It was a talent that he had always took pride in if he was being completely honest. But then there was Lisa. Lisa was different from any other woman he had ever been with. Maybe it was because she was an older woman, not to mention his teacher. Whatever the case, no matter how many girls Dean could find himself with, he always ended up back in Lisa’s bed. She had a hold on him and for some reason, he didn’t mind. But no matter how strong the hold, Dean could never find himself able to stay the night.

            Lisa was wonderful. She was smart, funny and full of life. A part of Dean even believed that at the end of the day, she truly cared about him, more than any other girl ever had. But, sleeping overnight was something that never sat well with him. Maybe it was the thought of being caught. If it was two in the morning, he could sneak out unseen; the later in the morning it became, the more likely someone would see him exit the building.

            Dean was eighteen years old and technically, that made what they were doing legal. But Lisa was his teacher and while Dean would probably not suffer much, Lisa could lose her job for being with him. Something like this would follow her around for the rest of her life. Dean was not prepared for this to happen to her; the fact that she never argued with him leaving in the middle of the night meant she wasn’t ready for the consequences either.

            Dean slipped his boots on and made his way to the bathroom. He knew that he was not going to have a lot of time this morning to get ready, so he took a few minutes to clean himself up the best that he could. He would be lucky if he could fall asleep for a few hours when he got home. Considering his track record with sleep, his chances were much lower than normal.

            “You know,” Lisa snuck up behind Dean and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging herself to him, her chin on his shoulder. “I can’t wait for the day that you don’t have to do this.”

            “Yeah?” Dean raised an eyebrow, looking at her through the mirror, and smiled. He never really thought about his future much but if he did, he could see Lisa being a major part of it. He honestly felt like he had a connection with her. She didn’t just see him for his looks or as arm candy. They would talk for hours about the things they thought and loved. She truly loved him for his mind … well … also his exceptionally good looks.

            “Of course,” she scrunched her face at him. They had this conversation many times in the past but Dean always needed to be reassured of the answer. There was nothing special about him. Lisa was a woman who could get someone truly special, but she chose Dean. “Only a few more weeks and we can quit this charade.”

            “I can’t wait,” Dean turned in her arms until he was facing her. He leaned down to kiss her and then kissed her once on top of the head. “Goodnight love bug.”

            “Good morning,” she corrected him since it was technically morning. He gave her a smile and kissed her lightly once more on the head.

            Dean slowly pulled himself away from her warm arms, almost regretting that he had to do it. Soon enough he would get to stay; he had to keep telling himself that. So, instead of making the stupid decision to crawl back into bed with her, he grabbed his coat and let himself out of her apartment, locking the door behind him.

            The whole walk home, Dean argued with himself. He could get used to a life with Lisa but he did not deserve it. He did not deserve anything at all. Dean was just a guy from the wrong side of the tracks with a fucked-up family life. His mother died in a house fire when he was four years old and his father was an abusive alcoholic who couldn’t hold down a job if his life depended on it. If it was not for the fact that a good friend of the family owned the apartments they lived in, they would probably not even have a roof over their heads.

            When Dean reached the apartment, he sighed; he had hoped that the journey would have taken longer than it actually did. Home was the destination but he didn’t really want to be there. Nothing about this place felt like home, well, except for Sam. Sam was his home. No matter where they were in life, if Sam was close by, Dean was home. But Sam was growing up, dating a girl he had met in the sixth grade and was already applying to colleges, even though he was only a Sophomore. He should be a Freshman, but they moved him up a grade because they felt he was not being challenged enough. Soon enough, Sam would have a scholarship to any school he chooses and he will be gone; Dean would be homeless and more than likely car-less.

            Dean’s father had signed a contract with Dean when he was fifteen. His father promised that the Impala would be his once he graduation from High School. That would be all good and dandy, except, Dean’s grades were much to be desired. He had tried in his early years of school to do well but he just lost focus. At some point, Dean had decided that it was too late to even attempt to bring his grades up, so he stopped trying altogether. Why he bothered to show up was beyond him.

            “Dude. Do you have any idea what time it is?” Sam asked as Dean pushed open the door to their shared bedroom. He was being as quiet as he could, not wanting to wake John Winchester. It was unlikely, being as he was probably drunk and passed out. Dean could have entered the house screaming and stomping around and his father would not even flinch in his chair.

            “Sometime between last night and this morning,” Dean responded sarcastically. He kicked off his boots and began to work on his jeans. Once he was down to just his boxers, he flung himself down onto his bed.

            “Dad was pissed that you did not come home,” Sam continued, sitting up in his bed. Dean could see the outline of his little brother, who happened to not be so little anymore. Sam currently towered over Dean. “He just passed out like an hour ago. He is not going to be happy in the morning.”

            “What is he going to do?” Dean asked with venom in his voice. “Beat me? Well shit, it must be Monday.”

            “You make it worse than it needs to be,” Sam tried to pin this on Dean. Dean knew that he did not mean it that way, that Sam was just worried about Dean, but he hated the implication.

            “Well, maybe I like it rough,” Dean threw out more fierce words and felt bad about it the instant they left his mouth. “I’m sorry Sam. I didn’t realize what time it was. Are you okay?”

            “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.” Dean could hear the strain in Sam’s voice and could tell that he had been crying. Though John had never physically abused Sam, he still had to hear all the verbal threats that came out of John’s mouth. Sam was the golden child though, so, there was no way he was going to hurt the good son. No, none of the harsh words were directed at Sam; they were always about Dean, but Sam was trapped in the middle.

            “Then get some sleep. Bitch.” Dean buried his face into his pillow.

            “Whatever, Jerk,” Sam laughed.

            Dean fought back tears. He was not going to cry. If he started to cry, the tears would never stop. He had to be strong; if not for himself, for Sam. ‘Crying is a sign of weakness,’ he could remember their father telling them when they were younger. If there was one thing that Dean was not, it was weak. So, he was not going to cry.


	2. Cas' POV

            “You are nothing more than a talentless, wannabe.” Castiel tried to drown out the sound of this parents fighting in the other room. It was only six in the morning and already they were at each other about how worthless they were. Castiel should be used to it by now, considering it had become a daily ritual. A _Day of Silence_ in the Novak house, now that would be something different. Oh, how Castiel longed for silence.

            “Yeah?” Castiel’s father was quick to fight back. He was defending his books, it was always about his stupid books. “My wannabe stories and writings are what pay the bills in this damn house. You should be grateful that you have a roof over your head.”

            “Oh, yeah,” his mother agrees with so much sarcasm it makes Castiel cringe. “I should be so grateful that your stories take care of us. Maybe if you didn’t care so much about your damn stories, this family would not be going to shit.”

            “This family was never anything more than shit.”

            “I hate you.”

            “You keep telling yourself that honey.” His father liked to think that without him, none of them would be worth anything. “Why don’t you go and drink that alcohol you buy with my money and wallow about how horrible I am. Look in the mirror and maybe you will see where the real problem lies.”

            “Go to hell,” she screamed back. Castiel could hear the tears behind her words but he knew that she would not cry, she stopped crying a long time ago.

            “Well look here,” his father’s anger almost came out in a laugh. “I made it.”

            Castiel brought his hand up to his face and wiped away a few stray tears. After all this time, he could not stop them from falling. He was weak and unable to control the emotions that boiled inside of him. He hated crying.

            When the house became silent again, Castiel quickly pulled himself out of bed and darted for the bathroom. He made his way slowly through the staircase though, not wanted to stir his parents again. They would not say anything to him if they came across him, considering they did not spend a lot of time these days talking to their children. What they did was much worse; they would make eye contact with him. Nothing was worse than looking into the eyes of your parents and having them look right through you, as if you are a ghost in their world. Had they ever loved him, he wondered to himself. Whether they once loved him or not, that did not change the present; today, they didn’t love him …no one did.

            Castiel pushed open the bathroom door and was hit by a wave of steam. He had known that Gabriel was already in there by the sounds but that did not stop him from entering, he couldn’t linger in the hallway. As much as he was grateful for the moments when his brother was present, he hated that he had made it to the shower first; that meant there would be no hot water left for Castiel. He thought about flushing the toilet to turn the water cold but he refrained, he was too drained for whatever play fighting would follow. Gabriel was all about the play fighting.

            “Can you hand me a towel baby Novak?” Gabriel turned off the water and reached his hand out behind the curtain, waving it about.

            Castiel walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a towel, laughing to him. Gabriel knew that he was going to be in there or else he would have been more prepared. Or, maybe Gabriel always forgot his towel and would normally just walk across the floor in his wet state. The thought along made Castiel shudder. Something about a soaking wet, bathroom floor, did not sit well with him. He had issues; he was aware of this.

            Once Gabriel had dried off and stepped out, Castiel had the water running again and was soon in the shower. He was happy for the hot water, even knowing it was not going to stay that way for long. He tried his best to clean himself as quickly as he could, making this a round of beat the clock. Normally the clock won. He hated this game.

            The clock won.

            “The rents still at it?” Gabriel asked in his usual perky voice. Castiel knew that the fighting got to Gabe just as it did Castiel, he was just better at hiding it. Gabe never really was one for showing any kind of emotion. Every now and then, he would let his walls drop around Castiel; those moments were becoming less and less. Castiel was worried, that soon, they would stop talking about it all together. Gabriel wanted nothing more than to leave this life behind; Castiel couldn’t blame him. Castiel wanted his life to be over with as well.

            Castiel finished getting ready quickly and made his way down the stairs. He had just enough time to grab some breakfast before heading out to school, though he was not very confident that it was going to happen. To get to the kitchen, he had to go through the living room. His mother was in the living room, more than likely working on what would be one of her many drinks for the day. He was just going to have to wait until lunch. He could make it.

            Since he left the house earlier than normal, Castiel took his time on the walk to school. He took in the houses of his suburban neighborhood and laughed. He had trouble accepting that this is where his family lived. Sure, on the outside, they looked like they fit in perfectly but he knew better. He knew this was not their world, they did not belong. They were imposters who happened to have enough money to not live in squalor.

            Castiel’s father, Chuck Shurley Novak, wrote a string of novels when Castiel was in the fifth grade. They quickly became a success and a television show was made based around them. Castiel had been proud of his father at the time, not to mention how nice it was that they had money. But that ended up being the peak of his father’s career. Now, he just wrote books for the show. They were not longer his stories, just ones that were based off the ideas of the show writers. This had broken his father. He lost his creativity and couldn’t seem to find it again. Instead of just moving on, like a normal person would do, he decided to blame his family for destroying his life.

            “Heya, Cassie,” Balthazar called from across the courtyard. He soon began jogging in Castiel’s direction. Castiel forced a smile. Balthazar and Castiel had been ‘friends’ their entire lives. Castiel wanted to say that they were best friends, but best friends knew about your life and knew all of your secrets, Balthazar knew nothing about Castiel’s real life. “Early again I see. Teacher’s pet just can’t stay away.”

            “That must be it,” Castiel forced a laugh for his friend. It was not Balthazar’s fault that Castiel had a shitty life, so he never took it out on him. If only people knew the real reason why he spent so much time at school. They probably would not make so many jokes about him. He could appreciate the humor though. He always arrived at school early and was in so many clubs that he spent many hours after school on the campus as well. If he were anyone else, he would probably crack jokes at him as well.

            “See you second period,” Balthazar slapped Castiel on the back and ran off in the direction of his locker. Second period was the only period that they had together his semester, outside of lunch. Part of Castiel hated that he did not get to see his friend more often but the other part of him was grateful. Balthazar always ended up being a distraction; the last thing Castiel needed right now were distractions.

            “See ya,” Castiel called after him, turning to make his way to his own locker.

            The day dragged on and by fourth period, Castiel had regretted the fact that he did not eat breakfast. His stomach had become a distraction through his classes, leaving him unable to answer any questions that were thrown his way. His stomach pained and even though he had no belief system, he began to pray for time to move quicker; he just needed to make it until lunch. ‘ _You can make it. You can do this._ ’ Castiel tried to convince himself.

            “Castiel?” His name was being called from the front of the classroom, pulling him out of his thoughts about what was for lunch that afternoon.

            “Yes?” Castiel responded, hoping that he had not already been asked a question.

            “The principal would like to see you,” Mr. Campbell informed him.

            Castiel looked around the room, noticing that all eyes appeared to be on him. He had never been called to the Principal’s office before. He was sure every else’s curiosity was going through the roof, just as his was. But, instead of questioning it, Castiel packed up his books and slid himself out of his desk. He made the walk of shame, at least, that is what it felt like, eyes burning into his skin, all the way to the Principal’s office.

            There was only ten minutes until lunch. This could not have waited until after lunch? Castiel knew that he was not going to get the chance to eat. Eating was overrated anyways, right? At least he would be skinny. Castiel laughed at his joke, even if it hurt. Skinny always seemed to be a compliment. If anyone saw what was going on underneath his clothes, the would see just how bad off he really was. Sure, his parents had money but he never got any of it and his mother was horrible at grocery shopping. So, most days he did not eat very much, if anything at all. He really was looking forward to lunch. _Oh well._

            “Hello, Castiel,” Mrs. Richardson smiled up at him. Just because he had never been summoned to the office before, did not mean he did not spend a lot of time here. He had volunteered his time, helping to file things and occasionally do other tasks that they could find for him. He really was a teacher’s pet. “Go right in.”

            _Yeah._ He thought. _I am not going to get to eat today._


	3. Dean's POV

Dean could not focus during his fourth period class; not because the subject was boring, but because it was taught by the beautiful Lisa. He had trouble focusing on anything other than the way she moved her body as she walked amongst the class. Occasionally, she would run her thigh against his hand on the table as she walked by. How was a man supposed to concentrate when all the blood was rushing to the other head in his body? Fourth period was definitely his favorite period.

“Excuse me?” Dean looked up to see a student standing in the doorway with a yellow note. Dean knew what yellow notes meant. He was sure he had not done anything wrong though, so he let his mind wonder to what poor sap was about to be punished by the horrible, yet not so bad, Mr. Crowley. “I have a note for Dean Winchester.”

Dean gawked as Lisa made her way across the room and took the note from the student, reading it over for verification. She then walked over to Dean and placed it down in front of him with slightly trembling fingers. It was asking for him to come to the Principal’s office as soon as possible. Dean looked up to Lisa, her eyes holding just as much fear as Dean’s did. Had they found out about them? Were they going to question him about his relationship with Ms. Braeden?

“You had better go Mr. Winchester,” Lisa choked out the words and then turned her attention back to the class.

Dean packed his bag up, which really just consisted of putting his unused pencil away, and then looked around the room. Not a single eye was on him. Why would anyone care? He was Dean Winchester, being called to the office; there was nothing new or exciting about that. Dean had a thing for getting into trouble. In fact, most of the time, he deliberately got into trouble, just so he could go rounds with Mr. Crowley. The man acted like he hated Dean but Dean knew that he enjoyed their arguments just as much as Dean did. At least, Dean believed that he did.

“Hello, Dean,” Mrs. Richardson smiled up at him but he could see the worry in her eyes. She always worried. She was just as nervous as he was for himself, most of the time; waiting for the one day he would walk out of the office with an expulsion. Who knows, today could be that day. “They are already waiting for you.”

“They?” Dean mouthed to himself, straightening up and looking at the door leading into Mr. Crowley’s office. Dean’s mind automatically raced to his father. Had his father been called into the school to witness Dean being expelled? Fear bubbled up in Dean’s gut. He could already feel the belt cracking against the skin of his back. He wanted to run. How could he face both of them at the same time? But running would only make the beating worse.

“Ah, Dean,” Mr. Crowley smiled up at him as Dean slowly pushed the door open. “Come in, have a seat.”

Dean felt a little more relieved. If Mr. Crowley was smiling, it could not be that bad. Sure, the entire school saw him as a monster, but Dean had gotten to know the real him over the years. All he really wanted was order and respect. Though Dean messed up a lot, to his face, he always gave him what he desired. So, Dean made his way a little quicker into the room but suddenly stopped when he spotted the other person. It was Castiel Novak.

Dean did not know Castiel very well, even though they had been in school with each other since Kindergarten. In all that time, Dean could not remember a single conversation that they had ever had with one another. They hung out with different social circles and they lived in completely different neighborhoods. They were complete strangers who had known each other almost their entire lives. All he knew about Castiel was one thing, he was super smart.

“Please have a seat,” Crowley sat himself down and waited for Dean to take a seat before he began. “I am sure you are both wondering why you are here today.”

Dean looked over at Castiel, who was looking at him. Not even Castiel knew why he was there, that sort of made Dean feel better. Castiel, the student with the best grades in the school, who had probably never been in trouble in his life, had been summoned to the Principal’s office without the slightest idea why. To top it off, he was summoned with the biggest trouble maker in the school. This was going to give Castiel some cool points, Dean couldn’t lie.

“I am going to guess that you need us to rob a bank,” Dean cracked a joke. If there was one thing Dean was good at, it was making jokes. “Bring in the smart kid to lay out the plans and the trouble maker to pull off the plan or take the fall if he fails. How close am I?”

“Ah,” Crowley smiled, as he leaned back in his chair. “Thank you for making a demonstration as to why this is necessary.”

“Why what is necessary?” Castiel finally spoke, obviously tired of the waiting.

“You are failing Dean,” Crowley got right to the point. “Not just a few classes but all of them.”

“Thank you for the update,” Dean spit out.

“If you fail, you will not be able to graduate.”

“I am aware of my situation,” Dean shook his head and leaned back in his chair. Was the point of this entire thing to show the smartest kid in the school who the dumbest kid was? Or was it to show Dean who he would never be able to be? Was this just some sick joke?

“I want you to graduate Dean,” Crowley stood up from his chair and made his way around his desk, sitting on it once he got to the front. “Mainly because I don’t want to have to see you again after this year.”

“Gee, thanks,” Dean felt the anger starting to grow inside of him but he worked hard to control it.

“So, I am going to offer you a deal,” Crowley got on with why they were there. “If you can pass all of your finals. I will let you graduate.”

“Fat chance,” Dean laughed. “There is no way I am going to pass my finals.”

“That is why he is here,” Crowley pointed to Castiel. Castiel’s eyes grew wide when the attention was brought to him. “Castiel here is going to tutor you.”

“Excuse me?” Dean and Castiel spoke at the same time.

“You filled out the form at the beginning of the year saying that you were willing to tutor students,” Crowley reminded Castiel. “Since you are the only student who offered who I know for sure can do this and still pass all their classes, I have selected you.”

“But,” Castiel went to argue but Dean cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it man,” Dean assured him. “You don’t have to do this. I don’t want a tutor.”

As much as Dean wanted to Graduate, just for the sake of getting his father’s car and to maybe show Sam that he could do it, he could not blame this poor kid for not wanting to help him. People knew who Dean was and he did not have the best reputation. Dean would not want to waste his time on himself either. But Dean needed this and even though he felt like a fool, he was going to do what needed to be done.

“Please,” Dean quickly changed course. “Could you at least consider it? I would be very grateful.”

Castiel looked between Dean and Mr. Crowley, the wheels turning in his head. Dean hoped that he would say yes but the chances were not in his favor. They never were.

“I will tutor you on Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the college Library for two hours starting at four,” Castiel finally agreed, laying out his terms. “If you can agree to those terms, I will do it.”

“Deal,’ Dean accepted quickly, not wanting the offer to disappear. “One hundred percent deal. Thank you.”


	4. Castiel's POV

Castiel was not really feeling club this afternoon, which just so happened to be Geography. It was the same thing every Tuesday. Geography was not really his favorite subject, in fact, he could care less about most subject. He joined clubs for one simple reason, it gave him a place to be, other than home. That and Charlie Bradbury was in Geography club. They were not what Castiel would consider friends, they never hung out outside of classes or club, but they had still grown close over the last year and Castiel valued the moments he got to spend with her. She was a great listener and always had advice to give; advice that tended to not be half bad. If she was not gay and Castiel was not an awkward freak, he could imagine himself trying to ask her out. She would probably say no anyways, gay or not, because that was just the luck of being Castiel Novak.

“He is the worst student in the entire school,” Castiel continued to complain about Dean Winchester. Sure, he agreed to tutor him, because for some reason, Dean pulled at what little heart strings Castiel had left, but he was not happy about it in the slightest. “I don’t even know how to help him. There are only a few weeks left before finals. How does someone teach someone like him everything he needs to know in just a few short weeks?”

“They didn’t say you have to turn him into an A plus student,” Charlie tried to paint a better picture for Castiel. He did not have to become the perfect student, he just had to pass. Was it really going to be that hard?

“This still feels like some kind of prank,” Castiel changed the subject, not wanting to accept that he could, in fact, teach Dean Winchester something.

There had to be more to all of this. The Senior class had chosen him as their prank for the year. Castiel had to get Dean Winchester to take school seriously, all while losing his mind in the process. Dean was probably going to show up with a random girl each study session and spend the entire time making out with her or doing other inappropriate things that Dean doesn’t seem to mind doing in public. That is, if he even shows up at all.

“Yeah, because Crowley and Dean Winchester are out to get you,” Charlie laughed, never taking her eyes off her poster. They were making posters for the different cultures; working to represent all the foreign exchange students who were graduating this year at their school. Castiel didn’t see the point. They were not going to make graduation any more thrilling. He wouldn’t know though. Castiel was certain he was not going to attend graduation at all. “I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Give him a shot to prove you wrong. You never know, Dean could surprise you.”

“Yeah, that is going to happen,” Castiel laughed. If there was one thing that Castiel did not have, it was faith in Dean Winchester. Dean never hid who he was. Castiel was not going to walk into this blinded by faith.

“You really are a downer,” Charlie stopped working on her posted and turned to Castiel, taking his hand into her own. He wanted to pull away but he knew better. “If you never give people chances, it is less likely that chances will be given to you. Now you know I am not a ‘God’ person or anything, but I do believe that you get back from this world what you put into it.”

“No wonder I feel so shit on,” Castiel shrugged his shoulders, realizing that he had just made a joke, as dark as it may have been. “Fine. I will give him a chance.”

“Great,” Charlie flashed him one of her famous smiles. She had a way of lighting up the entire room, forcing you to smile with her. It was a horrible super power, but he was glad that she had it. If it were not for her, Castiel would probably never smile … ever.

“But, when he lets me down,” Castiel turned back to his poster of London, England. “I am going to say ‘I told you so,’ on the big screen at graduation.”

“I will hack into the school computers and make it happen,” she promised, flashing him another smile. “But I have a feeling that is not going to happen.”

Castiel hated Dean Winchester still, or may, he was just jealous of who Dean was; maybe it was both. He could hate someone and be jealous of someone at the same time. This was a free country. Whatever that was supposed to mean.

“Plus,” Charlie was obviously not finished with their conversation. “Tutoring people looks good to colleges. I mean, I know you don’t need help getting into any, but still, they like things like that.”

If only Charlie knew the truth. Castiel had applied to seven colleges and that is the same number of schools he had been accepted into. All were willing to offer him a full ride scholarship. He had not yet responded to any of them but he had his ‘I have chosen a different option’ emails already written out and ready to be emailed when the time came.

_____

By the time Castiel got home it was close to ten o’clock. His parents were no longer arguing but he knew they were not getting along either. His father was locked away in his study, the television so loud that it echoed through the entire house. As for his mother, she was sitting alone in her corner of the living room, more than likely drunk on whatever she grabbed out of the liquor cabinet that morning. She did not even bother to turn the lights on anymore. Sure just sat there in the dark, drinking until her body couldn’t take anymore and passed out. Something, she would realize she was getting tired and she would take herself to bed; those were the good nights. His father would, without a doubt, would sleep in his study. Castiel was not sure of the last time his parents slept in the same bed with one another.

With a rumbling stomach, Castiel made his way through the living room, making sure to avoid any kind of contact with his mother; he did not even look her way. Normally, he would just go straight to his room but he needed to eat something or he would not be able to sleep at all. Twenty-four hours is way too long for someone to go without food.

He opened the fridge, only to realize that he needed to get a job. Not because he needed the money but because he needed the food. He was not even sure the last time someone in his house went to the grocery store, or what in the fridge was even safe to eat. Deciding that he did not want to spend the night sick and in the bathroom, Castiel grabbed a few cans of Spaghetti-Os and a can opener. He then made his way up towards his room. They tasted better cold anyway.

Once he finished eating, Castiel got himself ready for bed and pulled out a piece of paper from his backpack. He read over the paper quickly before folding it up and placing it into his nightstand drawer. Then he crawled into bed, curled up into a ball and did what he did every night; Castiel cried himself to sleep.


	5. Dean's POV

            Though he had ended up almost begging for it in the end, Dean was not excited about Castiel tutoring him. He had spent the entire evening and most of the morning complaining. He complained about how the school system had failed him and how if his father was not such an ass, maybe he would have tried harder to begin with. But most of all, he complained about Castiel.

            “I got a call from your Principal yesterday,” Dean’s father informed him as he made his way into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. “You are failing every single class. What are you? Stupid or something?”

            “Must run in the family,” Dean did not even try to keep his father calm. He was sick and tired of the way his father treated him. If his father could not give him respect, he did not deserve to get any in return. Even if Dean ended up on the bad end once all was said and done.

            “What did you just say, boy?” John stepped closer and Dean could smell the alcohol on his breath. Whether he had started drinking already or it was left over from the night before, it was a strong smell; a sickening smell. Not only was it coming from his breath, it was seeping out of his skin. There was no longer any water in John Winchester’s body; he was pure whiskey.

            “I said that maybe being stupid is genetic,” Dean puffed up to his father and immediately regretted it as John shoved him hard against the wall. Dean became dizzy, moments after his head bounced off the wall. He was going to have a massive headache the rest of the day.

            “You will watch your mouth,” John spat in his face. “Or else I am going to teach you what happens to stupid, punk ass kids in my house.”

            “Oh,” Dean laughed in John’s face.” I think I already know.”

            Dean could tell that his father wanted to hit him but he refrained. John knew that Dean was going to be headed to school soon and the last thing he needed was Dean not showing up or showing up with unexplainable bruises. So, John let go of Dean and shook his head. He didn’t say another word, just excited the living room, his bedroom door soon slamming behind him.

            “Dean,” Sam began but Dean held out his hand to stop him from speaking any further.

            “Get your stuff,” Dean ordered, hating how much he sounded like his father in that moment. “Let’s get a move on.”

_____

            School dragged on through the day. Dean tried to focus on his classes but he could not seem to get what happened that morning out of his head. He wanted more than anything now to pass high school, he needed to pass. He needed to get a job so that he could get out of his father’s house and get Sam out as well, though Sam had never been threatened the way that Dean was. Though he wants to get home out, Dean was sure that Sam was going to be safe, even if Dean has to leave him behind.

            The day finally came to an end and Dean made his way to his locker. He never really used his locker for much, other than storing the books that he never used. But today, he needed them. By the time his backpack was full, it was heavier than it had ever been; his locker was now completely empty. It felt almost freeing. He could walk away right now and there would never be a single shred of evidence that he was ever here. He could just go.

 

 **[Wednesday 3:14 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Hey hot stuff. You want to come over?_

 **[Wednesday 3:15 p.m. | You]** _I have mandatory tutoring until six but I can come over afterwards._

 **[Wednesday 3:17 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Can’t wait. See you then_.

 

            Dean shoved his phone into his pocket and began the twenty-minute walk to the college campus library. He had never actually been on the college campus, let alone their library. In fact, he could not remember the last time he had been in a library at all. Books were not really his thing. They were wordy and smelled funny. Dean much preferred auditory things.

            When Dean arrived, he spotted Castiel sitting at one of the computers in the corner, typing away on a library computer. He thought about just sitting and waiting the twenty-three minutes until four o’clock, but he was already there and so was Castiel. He decided that just getting it over with was the best option.

            “Hey,” Dean sat down in a chair next to the computer Castiel was typing on. “Sorry I’m early.”

            Dean had apologized for a lot of things in his life but being early was never one of them. Normally, he was apologizing for being late or for not showing up at all. He had a thing for forgetting that he needed to be somewhere until it was too late. That, and sometimes he just didn’t care enough to show up and asking for forgiveness was much easier than trying to explain his not wanting to show up beforehand.

            “That’s okay,” Castiel assured him, not even looking up from his computer. “Just let me finish what I have left of this paper and we will get started.”

            “Sure thing,” Dean nodded, leaning back in the chair and pulling a bag of chips out of his backpack. Dean had a thing for eating, it was a coping thing. No matter what Dean was doing or feeling, food was his escape; his way of dealing with things. If Dean was sad, he would eat. If Dean was happy, he would eat. If Dean was awake, he would eat. It was just of what he did. He was actually surprised that he did not weight a million pounds at this point.

            “Done” Castiel closed out of the computer and turned his attention to Dean. He then moved to pack up his backpack. “Are you ready to get started?”

            Dean nodded and watched as Castiel stood up, motioning towards an empty table across the room. He then began to make his way over there and Dean followed, stopping only to pick up a piece of paper that had fallen out of Castiel’s backpack. He went to call after Cas, to hand him the paper and move on with the day, until the first sentence caught his attention.

            _If you are reading this, I am dead._

            Dean read over the first line a few times before folding it up and putting it into his pocket. Was this what Dean thought it was? Was it Castiel’s? Was it for something specific or for exactly what Dean felt that it was for? So many questions were racing through his mind. Dean looked up, his eyes meeting with Castiel who was impatiently sitting at the table, waiting. Dean took a deep breath and made his way to the table, sitting down across from Castiel. This couldn’t be right.

            “Alright,” Dean smiled across the table at Castiel, though it felt like the last thing he should be doing. “Let’s get this party started.”


	6. Cas' POV

          Castiel spent the rest of his evening at the library, even though Dean had left hours ago. He had paid full attention to Castiel and even seemed engaged, asking questions when he did not fully understand something; it was almost as if he wanted to learn. That pleased Castiel; made him feel like he was not wasting his time with Dean. However, about an hour in, Dean kept checking his phone and messaging someone. Feeling that he had done a really good job up to that point, Castiel suggested that he head out and they would pick up again on Friday. Dean thanked Castiel, gathered up his things and went on his way. Castiel had been alone ever since.

           As midnight approached, Castiel was reminded that the library was about to close and he was going to need to head home. As much as this did not appeal to him, he knew that he needed to at least try and get a little bit of sleep and possibly a snack. Anything to hold him over until lunch at school the next day.

           “I brought something for you,” Lilith, the librarian set a brown paper bag in front of Castiel. Castiel knew exactly what it was, almost like an answer from above, and took it shyly. Though he never told anyone about his situation, she seemed to notice once upon a time that he never ate anything during the long hours that he would spend at the library. She had eventually put two and two together and started bringing him lunches. Or maybe she could see that he was skin and bone beneath his clothing. “Goodnight, Castiel.”

           “Goodnight,” Castiel gave her a smile. He could never understand why people tended to hate her. People talked about Lilith as if she were as close to the devil as you could get. She had always been nothing but kind to Castiel. “And thank you.”

           “It was my pleasure,” she assured him, walking him out of the building. “Be safe.”

           “I will,” he promised as she shut the door and locked it behind him. Whether he wanted to or not, he was probably going to be safe on his way home. Who knows, maybe he could get lucky and some crazy person will murder him. But then again, he was not really that lucky.

_____

           The entire house was dark when he got home. He was certain that everyone was already in bed and wondered if they had noticed that he had not come home yet. His mother was probably too drunk to notice that they were even in a house and his father was probably so wrapped up in whatever book he was writing. As for Gabriel, well, he was now an adult and did not have to come home anymore if he didn’t want to. The only reason he really seemed to stick around was for Castiel. Luckily for him, he would not have to worry about Castiel for long.

           Castiel sat on the floor in front of his bed and rummaged through the brown paper lunch bag. It contained a turkey sandwich on sourdough bread with lettuce, tomato and a ton of mustard. Castiel had mentioned one time how much he loved mustard. Along with the sandwich was a king size bag of chips, two sodas, a protein bar, and two giant chocolate brownies.

           He worked on his math homework while he ate. He tried to convince himself to save some of the food for the next day but he was starving and before he knew it, all that was left was the protein bar. That would be good enough for breakfast the next day. It would at least keep him alive.

           Once he finished both his food and his homework, he took a quick shower and got himself ready for bed. Like routine, Castiel reached into his backpack to pull out the piece of paper he had been working on for months but unlike a normal day, it wasn’t there. Castiel began to panic, pulling out every piece of paper in his bag, going over each one multiple times. It was not there.

           Castiel looked over his bedroom, pulling it apart and putting it back together again. He then retraced his steps through the house and halfway toward the library, but it was nowhere. It was just gone. He must have left it at the library. That was not good. It would be horrible if someone were to find his letter.

_____

           He did not sleep at all that night. All he could think about was his letter and where it could be. Had a student possibly have seen it and picked it up? Did a janitor pick it up and put it in the trash, making it disappear with all the other unwanted papers? Was it gone for good or was his world about to come crashing down around him? He needed to find that letter.

           First thing in the morning, Castiel made his way to the college library. Being as it was a college, the library was open during early hours. Once there, he backtracked every step that he could remember taking, no paper was anywhere. It probably got thrown out. He kept telling himself, over and over. No one found it. It’s in the trash somewhere. He was not off the hook just yet though. There was one more place that he needed to check.

           “Hey,” Castiel approached Dean at his locker when he arrived at school. Dean looked at him with surprise, like he was not expecting Castiel to actually talk to him outside of the college library. “You didn’t happen to get any of my papers mixed in with yours, did you?”

           “Not that I am aware of,” Dean shook his head at Castiel, making no attempt to actually look through his stuff. “I went over everything we worked on last night and nothing appeared to be yours. Just my notes and what not.”

           “Okay,” Castiel accepted his answer. “I will see you tomorrow then.”

           Castiel made his way toward his locker and prayed that his paper was heading off toward a landfill somewhere, never to be seen by another human being. No one was ever meant to see that letter, at least, not yet. It was too soon for it to make its way into the world. It needed to be in the trash.


	7. Dean's POV

_If you are reading this, I am dead._

_I know that this is going to hurt you, but I just can’t do it anymore._

_I no longer feel anything outside of pain, and it has become exhausting._

_I don’t know when you stopped loving me exactly._

_It was probably around the time that you stopped loving yourselves and each other._

_I am sorry, Gabriel. It is probably you that has found me. You would be the only one looking._

_You can move on now, Gabe. Go and live the life you have always wanted._

_You no longer have to protect me; I am safe now._

_Can you donate my things to charity?_

_I will no longer need them. There are people who do._

_There is no need to delete my internet history._

_I have it set to do it on its own._

_My password is HoneyBee. If you want to keep the computer for yourself, go ahead._

_I am sorry that I was not good enough._

_I was not better than the fictional characters in some book._

_I was not better than the feeling of whiskey hitting against your tongue._

_I was not worth a hello in the morning or a sleep tight in the evening._

_Remember the bed bugs? I remember the bed bugs._

_I can’t blame you for not loving me. There is not a lot to love._

_Do not mourn my leaving._

_I am doing this for all of you._

_You can now move on._

_I love you all so very much._

_Castiel James Novak_

_P.S. Gabe, there is a condom in my wallet. Use it. I never got the chance to._

_______

Dean locked himself in the bathroom during his lunch period and read over Castiel’s letter. He read it so many times, the page was starting to get worn out. He tried to think of the boy who had tutored him yesterday, trying to figure out what he was going through and why he felt the need to die. Dean could understand the desire to die. But Castiel? He was funny and smart and kind. He, of all people, should want to live. His life seemed to have so much potential. He could go to any college that he chose and be somebody in the world. How he could not see that, was beyond Dean.

            Dean suddenly developed a mission in life. He was going to save Castiel Novak, whether her wanted saving or not. He needed to help Castiel realize that life was worth living and that it was truly beautiful. Dean was not sure where the beauty in life was at the moment, but he was willing to find it for Castiel; he could save Castiel.

           

 **[Thursday 2:52 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Hey. I bought a pretty little number you might enjoy taking off of me._

 

            Dean smiled down at his phone, imagining Lisa in some skimpy outfit, his hands working to slowly remove it from her body. But the image was not enough. Soon, his mind wandered back to Castiel and he tried to shake it free. As much as he wanted to head over to Lisa’s after school, he needed to try and find Castiel first.

 

 **[Thursday 2:59 p.m. | You]** _I will be over tonight. I have a few things I need to get finished for school. Really need to pass these finals._

 

 **[Thursday 3:10 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Would you like me to make dinner?_

 

 **[Thursday 3:11 p.m. | You]** _I can’t promise I will be there in time. But you can be sure that I will be there in time to eat my dessert._

**[Thursday 3:14 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Mmm. Well, don’t keep me waiting too long._

 

 **[Thursday 3:17 p.m. | You]** _Don’t worry. I won’t._

 

            Dean gathered up his things and made his way to the library. He couldn’t say for sure that Castiel would be there, but it is the best guess that he could come up with. Luckily for him, he guessed correctly, spotting Castiel sitting all alone at a table in the corner, head buried in his math book.

            “Hey,” Dean pretended to stop while walking past Castiel’s table. “Funny meeting you here.”

            “Dean,” Castiel looked up from where he is sitting, a slight smile spreading across his face. “What are you doing here?”

            “Figured I would get more studying in,” Dean lied, though if Castiel offered to help him study, he would not turn him down. “Really determined to pass these final exams.”

            “Would you care to join me?” Castiel motioned to the chair across from him. “I have homework that I need to do but I can answer any questions that you might happen to have.”

            “Sounds great,” Dean agreed but stopped before settling in. “But would you maybe be interested in taking our studies elsewhere? Nothing against libraries, but they tend to be a little stuffy.”

            “What were you thinking?” Castiel raised an eyebrow at Dean. Dean just smiled, he loved surprises.

_____

            Dean took Castiel to Harvelle’s, the best burger joint in town. Ellen Harvelle, a friend of the family owned it with her husband. Both of her children, Ash and Jo, who Dean had been close with his entire life, both worked there as well. It was the one place that felt like home to Dean, outside of Sam. He spent many hours there, shooting the shit with Jo or arguing with Ash about something or another. Ash was really smart and Dean liked to mess with him for it because you couldn’t tell by looking at the boy. Also, the food was amazing.

            “This place is cool,’ Castiel took in the décor. It looked like it could second as a biker bar, which is probably was at one point before they had children. In fact, Dean was surprised it had not turned into one once their kids were old enough to work in a bar. It was probably their clients. They had a lot of regulars and they were not willing to mess up the good thing they had going.

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, waving at Jo as he led Castiel to his favorite booth. “They have awesome food as well. Also, a chocolate shake that is to die for.”

            Castiel nodded his head at Dean, setting his backpack into the booth and looking over at the menu.

            “What can I get you, boys?” Jo asked, pulling out her order pad.            

            “We will take two double bacon cheeseburgers with fries,” Dean ordered for them both. “Oh, and two chocolate shakes with that chocolate whipped cream. Thank you.”

            “Coming right up,” Jo turned on her heels and went to put their orders in.

            “Dean,” Castiel began to speak and he could immediately tell what Castiel was going to say.

            “Don’t worry,” Dean assured him. “The food is great and it is all on me.”

            Castiel nodded again, accepting that he was about to get free food. Only crazy people turned down free food and Castiel did not seem like he was crazy. He was sad and obviously depressed, but that happened to even the sanest of people.

            “How about we work on math while we wait?” Dean suggested, pulling out his math book.

            “Sounds good to me,” Castiel smiled, pulling out his own book and returning to the problem he was working on at the library.

            They managed to get through a little bit of their homework before their food got there but once it arrived, school work seemed to go out the window. Dean quickly dug into his food but stopped when he began to watch Castiel eat his own meal. He went at it full force as if he had never eaten and was starving to death. That only made Dean more curious about Castiel’s life.

            “These make me very happy,” Castiel smiled though a giant mouthful of burger.

            “Good,” Dean smiled, turning back to his own food. “More bacon cheeseburgers for you.”

            Dean was glad that he was able to put a smile on Castiel’s face, though that made conversing with him rather hard. They talked, about school and all of that, but he did not want to get serious and pull that smile away from him. But that happened anyway when Dean asked Castiel about his family.

            “Uh,” Castiel set his burger down and leaned back in his seat. “My dad is a writer, my mom is a stay at home mom and my brother Gabriel is, well he is just Gabriel.”

            “I have a brother also,” Dean tried to relate with Castiel on some level. “His name is Sam. He goes to our school.”

            “I know Sam,” Castiel nodded with a smile. “He and Jess were in a few clubs I participated in last year.”

            “You guys and your clubs,” Dean laughed, taking another bite of his burger. “Wish I had something that I was that passionate about.”

            “You don’t?” Castiel asked him.

            “I mean, not really.” Dean did not have any passion in life at all. Well except for the Impala. That was the main reason he was doing all of this. He wanted that damn car. “Well, I mean, I am pretty passionate about my dad’s car. If I graduate, he is going to give it to me.”

            “That is nice of him,” Castiel seemed to ponder over this information.

            “Not really. The old man is a drunk, abusive asshole,” Dean shook his head, unable to make eye contact with Castiel. “He told me I was a worthless piece of shit one day and that I would never amount to anything. That is when he told me I would never graduate from High School. So, in a heated fight, I bet him the Impala that I could. So far, he is winning, I guess.”

            “You are not worthless Dean,” Castiel forced a smile at Dean and Dean forced one back. “I will help you graduate.”

            “Thanks, man,” Dean made work again of his burger. “That means a lot to me.”


	8. Cas' POV

Castiel could not seem to get Dean’s words out of his head. How could someone call Dean Winchester worthless? He was funny and nice and though Castiel would never admit it, he was a very attractive man. Castiel could see Dean doing many great things in life. Modeling was definitely not out of the question. A face and body like that, women were bound to want to see it. So, Dean’s father was wrong. Dean was not worthless. Now, Castiel, he was worthless. There was no potential for him at all.

Castiel wanted to ask Dean more but it was getting late and Castiel did not want to keep the man longer than he needed to. Dean more than likely had a girl that he needed to get to or something better to do than spend his time with Castiel. Though, Castiel appreciated that Dean had made time for him today, Castiel was not going to over step and make him not want to do this again.

“It’s getting late,” Castiel finally broke the silence that had fallen between them. “I should probably head home. Thank you for dinner.”

“Anytime,” Dean smiled at him. Castiel wanted to say more but he decided against it. So, he packed up his bag.

“I will see you tomorrow, Dean,” Castiel smiled back at Dean, who nodded his head and then walked out of the diner and began to head home.

Castiel decided that it was a good thing that he left. Though he did not want to go home and he was really liking Dean, he did not need to get attached to anyone. He was not going to be around for that much longer and the last thing that he needed was to pull someone else into his mess of a life. The less people that would be hurt by his departure, the better. Leaving Gabriel was going to be hard enough. Part of Castiel hoped that it would come as some sort of relief for his older brother. Gabriel was not living his life because of Castiel and Castiel was going to give him the chance to break free.

Once he got home, Castiel decided that he was just going to go to bed. He had eaten so much that it would get him through until lunch the next day. Because he would not need to figure out breakfast, he could take his shower in the morning instead if in the evening.

**[Thursday 11:12 p.m. | Dean]** _Hey. Just checking to make sure that you made it home alright._

 **[Thursday 11:13 p.m. | You]** _Yes, I did. Thank you. I am safe and sound in bed._

 **[Thursday 11:17 p.m. | Dean]** _I am just sitting on my front porch. Don’t have my own room, so not a lot of privacy in there. Will probably head in soon._

 **[Thursday 11:19 p.m. | You]** _No privacy is better than too much privacy._

 **[Thursday 11:23 p.m. | Dean]** _How so?_

 **[Thursday 11:27 p.m. | You]** _They always know when you are around. I bet you that if I did not come home one night, my parents would not even notice that I was gone._

 **[Thursday 11:33 p.m. | Dean]** _Impossible._

 **[Thursday 11:38 p.m. | Dean]** _I can’t imagine someone not noticing you._

 **[Thursday 11:41 p.m. | You]** _Well, I am not good at standing out. Not a lot of people in general notice me._

 **[Thursday 11:56 p.m. | Dean]** _Sorry it took so long to reply. I decided to hop in the shower really quick. Also, you are wrong._

 **[Thursday 11:58 p.m. | You]** _That doesn’t happen very often but what am I wrong about?_

**[Friday 12:01 a.m. | Dean]** _ No one noticing you. _

**[Friday 12:04 a.m. | You]** _Oh yeah? Tell me one person who notices me? Besides my brother when he is around._

 **[Friday 12:10 a.m. | Dean]** _I notice you. I mean, I won’t lie and say that I have always noticed you. But since Tuesday, I have noticed you._

 **[Friday 12:15 a.m. | You]** _Well, don’t notice me too hard._

 **[Friday 12:18 a.m. | Dean]** _No?_

 **[Friday 12:22 a.m. | You]** _No._

 **[Friday 12:34 a.m. | Dean]** _Well I can’t make any promises._

 **[Friday 12:48 a.m. | You]** _Goodnight, Dean._

 **[Friday 12:55 a.m. | Dean]** _Goodnight, Castiel._

 **[Friday 1:27 a.m. | You]** _I’m sorry Dean. *Message Unsent*_

Castiel looked down at his phone and could feel the tears starting to roll down his face. He hated all of this. Everything about this was a bad idea. He had a plan. He was going to finish up school and then on graduation day, he was going to leave this world. He was going to finish what he started but not allow himself to start anything else. With Dean, it felt like he was starting something new. That is not what he wanted. Dean Winchester was ruining everything.

_____

“Hey,” Dean sat down at the lunch table across from Castiel. This not only shocked Castiel but the people who suddenly found them both very interesting. Castiel was not excited about all the eyes on him. Most of all, he was not excited about Dean. Plus, Dean was going to ruin his reputation being around Castiel. Not that Dean really seemed to notice as he dug into his food.

“I paid attention in science class today,” Dean spoke with a smile and mouthful of food. “Actually, I understood most of it.”

“That is good, Dean,” Castiel laughed, though he had not intended to. Dean had a way of bringing out the unwanted emotions that laid beneath the surface. “You won’t need me for long after all.”

“Hey,” Dean put down his pizza slice and smiled up at Castiel. “Would you be willing to go someplace else again to study today? I feel like I do much better when we are not in the library.”

“Yes,” Castiel immediately agreed, secretly hoping they would return to the diner. “I would be perfectly okay with the change of location.”

“Great,” Dean smiled again and Castiel felt his stomach turn into knots. “Just meet me out front after school and we can walk together.”

“Okay,” Castiel agreed. He was really hating Dean Winchester; now for the simple fact that, he didn’t hate him at all.


	9. Dean's POV

**[Friday 3:01 p.m. | Love Bug]** _My place?_

 **[Friday 3:10 p.m. | You]** _I have a tutoring session, but I can come by afterward._

 **[Friday 3:14 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Didn’t you have a tutoring session yesterday?_

 **[Friday 3:15 p.m. | You]** _Yeah._ _But I could honestly use all the help that I can get._

 **[Friday 3:20 p.m. | Love Bug]** _How about you cancel today’s session and I will tutor you today instead._

 **[Friday 3:23 p.m. | You]** _If I do that, he may refuse to tutor me anymore._

 **[Friday 3:25 p.m. | You]** _I promise you that I will be there tonight._

 **[Friday 3:27 p.m. | Love Bug]** _Yeah? Like you promised me you could come by last night and then you canceled on me because you were tired?_

 **[Friday 3:29 p.m. | Love Bug]** _You know what? Don’t even bother coming by tonight._

 **[Friday 3:30 p.m. | You]** _Whatever. I won’t then._

“Hey, sorry I am late.” Dean ran up to the front of the school to find Castiel waiting for him. He hoped that he had not been waiting long. “Just had to take care of a few things.”

            “That is perfectly alright,” Castiel seemed to be telling Dean the truth so he did not try to apologize any further.

            “Ready then?” Dean asked, smiling at Castiel. He was not sure how Castiel was going to react to where they were going but Dean was excited. He was taking Castiel to his favorite spot.

            “Lead the way,” Castiel motioned his hand in front of him and soon they were headed toward the park.

            Once they made it to the park, Dean changed their course just slightly, leading them towards the woods that surrounded two sides of it. The woods went on for a couple miles, filled with biking and hiking trails. Dean’s favorite spot was about a half a mile in and secluded. The only thing there was a picnic bench. Dean had already written all over it, but it only appeared to be his writing. He was certain that no one else ever ventured there. That is why he decided that it was officially his spot.

            “I found this place a few years ago,” Dean started to tell Castiel all about his spot. “I like to come here and think and just get away from it all. It does not look like much but it is peaceful. Seemed like a good place for some good old-fashioned studying.”

            “It is very nice,” Castiel agreed, setting down his backpack on the table and taking a seat, also on the table part. “I don’t ever really come to the park.”

            “Why not?” Dean asked, taking a seat beside him.

            “I’m not sure really,” Castiel shrugged his shoulders. “I remember coming as a kid and then I just stopped coming.”

            “Cas?” Dean could no longer hold back the secret he had been keeping. Just hearing the sadness in Castiel’s voice told him that it was now or never.

            “Yeah?” Castiel turned his full attention to Dean.

            “I lied to you the other day,” Dean admitted, trying to figure out the best way to put all of this.

            “Okay?” Castiel questioned, tilting his head to the side in a puppy dog fashion; that alone almost changed Dean’s mind. How could he talk about this with a look like that lingering on Cas’s face?

            “Remember when you came to me and asked me if I happened to have some of your papers?” Dean questioned. The drop in Castiel’s face made it clear that he knew exactly what Dean was getting at.

            “You have it?” Castiel all but whispered. Dean could see the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. “I can’t believe you have it and you didn’t tell me.”

            “I didn’t know how to bring it up,” Dean admitted, tangling his fingers together nervously.

            “Do you have it with you?” Castiel straightened himself up and looked Dean firmly in the eye.

            “Yeah,” Dean answered quickly, pulling the folded-up piece of paper from his back pocket and handing it to Castiel.

            Castiel grabbed the paper and his backpack, flinging it over his shoulder. Before Dean had the chance to say anything else, Castiel was walking away, heading back to the open part of the park. Dean got up quickly and rushed over to Castiel, grabbing his arm to stop him from being able to go any further.

            “Please don’t go,” Dean begged. This was not what he wanted. He did not want to anger Castiel or make him run away.

            “Just let me go,” Castiel began to cry, pulling his arm but Dean kept a firm grip. “You don’t want me around.”

            “Of course, I do,” Dean tried to reassure Castiel but he could tell that the boy was not even listening to him at this point.

            “No one wants me around,” Castiel kept mumbling under his breath repeatedly. “No one wants me.”

            “That is not true,” Dean was at a loss for words. He wanted to fix this but he was not good at things like this, never had been.

            “No one will ever love me,” Castiel let his arm go limp, no longer fighting against Dean. Dean let go of his arm, in hopes that Castiel would not run away. So far, so good.

            “Let me try,” Dean blurted out, unsure of where the words came from. “Please, let me try.”

            “Let you try to what?” Castiel lifted his head and looked at Dean through tear filled eyes.

            “To love you,” Dean said aloud. He could not remember the last time he had said the love word out loud, even to his family or friends. Love was not really a popular word with him.

            Could he love Castiel? As a friend, of course. You could love your friends. Dean was not gay, this was not about dating Castiel or being with him. This was just about loving him and being there for him. He could do that, right?

            “Seems you could really use a friend,” Dean followed up, trying to make it clear that his love would be strictly friend based. “I would really like to be that friend.”

            “I don’t want your pity,” Castiel shook his head. The boy gripped his backpack as if he were about to take off. Dean needed to do something.

            “Fine,” Dean straightened up, hoping that he could do something to salvage the situation. “I’ll make you deal. Can we make a deal?”

            “What kind of deal?” Castiel seemed interested but still acted as if he was about to run away.

            “Let’s graduate High School together,” Dean hoped this was the right thing. It seemed like it could very well be the wrong thing. “After graduation, if you are still not convinced that you are worth being alive, then you can kill yourself. I won’t tell anyone. I will not stop you. But give me a chance. Just a chance.”

            “Dean,” Castiel tried to argue but Dean put his hand up to stop him.

            “Just a chance, Cas.” Dean could feel his own tears forming behind his eyes. “Please.”

            Then he was gone. No answer. No nothing. He was just gone and Dean could not seem to bring himself to chase after him. All he could do was hope that he sees Castiel on Monday. Shit. He hoped he was going to see Castiel on Monday.


	10. Cas' POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SELF-HARM.

            Castiel stood in the entryway of his home for the longest time, Dean’s words echoing through his mind. Could someone like Dean ever love him, even if it was just in a friendly way? Castiel had never really had friends, outside of Balthazar. He had been too wrapped up in his own life, afraid to let anyone get close. When people got close, they hurt you. They always hurt you. And if they did not hurt you, you were bound to hurt them. Castiel did not want to hurt anyone, only himself.

            “You look like an angel statue,” Castiel was quickly pulled out of his thoughts as he turned on his heels towards the living room. His mother was sitting in her standard dark corner with a drink in her hand. She was clearly already drunk, by the slur in her words. “Oh, it’s just you Castiel.”

            “Yeah,” Castiel shook his head at his mother. “It’s just me.”

            Castiel took the stairs two at a time until he was at the top of the stairs. He tossed his bag into his bedroom and then locked himself in the bathroom. Luckily, Gabriel was not home and his parents had their own bathroom. No one was going to bother him, not like that was ever a problem really. He was lucky if people even noticed that he was home.

            “You’re invisible,” Castiel said to himself in the mirror. His eyes were empty and he could not even recognize his own face anymore. “You’re nothing to them. They don’t love you. How could they? Look at you.”

            Castiel pulled his shirt up over his head, the scars of the past reflecting themselves in the mirror. Castiel ran his fingers over a few of the raised lines. They were all that was left of him. He could feel them but he could barely feel anything else. They were the only hot part left of the cold that settled over him.

            “You are nothing,” Castiel yelled at himself in the mirror, tears like fire beginning to run down his cheeks.

            Castiel opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the razor. He found it funny how it was still there. He shared a bathroom with his brother and yet, no one had ever found it or thrown it away. There was no need for him to hide anything anymore. All eyes were elsewhere.

            Castiel made his way over to the shower and turned it all the way over, the water quickly turned to hot. The mirrors were the first to fog up, followed by the bathroom itself. Soon you could not see more than a few inches in front of your face.

            Castiel stripped himself of his clothes and tossed them to where he was certain the door was. He then sunk himself to the ground in front of the shower pulling his legs close to his stomach. Marks lined his thighs, much darker and closer together than the marks that were on his stomach or his arms. These were the marks where he did the most damage. Occasionally, causing so much damage he feared that he was going to die. He no longer feared death though, so the marks now brought nothing more than comfort.

They were not the marks of someone who wanted to be alive. They were the marks of someone who needed something more than this world could give him. Having exhausted all other options, he knew that his last chance at finding complete peace was going to be his death. Should it be now? Was there really a point in waiting it out?

            Castiel ran his finger softly over the blade of his razor, making sure not to cut his finger. He had sliced his fingers more times than he would like to admit and still, the pain was unbearable. All his cut marks were nothing in comparison to the ones on his fingers. Castiel laughed loudly at this. Of all the things, he was willing to do to himself, he feared to cut his fingers. How pathetic and stupid was that?

Composing himself once again, Castiel got back to the task at hand, running the sharp blade over an untouched patch of skin between his legs. The sting was immediate and Castiel’s breath caught in his throat. Then there was panic. There had never been panic. Normally there were a brief few moments of pain and then there was a calm that would wash over him. He would be flooded with relief but the relief was no longer there. There was nothing more than panic.

Castiel quickly reached for a washcloth and held it to the fresh cut, applying as much pressure as he could to the wound. It took about ten minutes but soon the bleeding had stopped. It was then that relief washed over him, leaving Castiel more confused than he had been before.

Getting up, Castiel climbed into the shower and let the hot water burn against his skin. Everything in his world was falling apart. He had gotten it under control. He had a plan and things were going well; well, as good as they could possibly go for someone who was getting ready to take their own life. But now, now everything was ruined and it was Dean’s fault. None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for Dean Winchester. He fucking hated Dean Winchester. He had to come in and completely ruined Castiel’s entire life.

“Fuck,” Castiel screamed into the hot water.

Tears flooded Castiel’s eyes, though you would not be able to tell through the water and steam. They felt hotter than the actual water that was currently burning his skin. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Castiel chanted these words in his head before finally turning off the water and composing himself once again.

Once Castiel had himself under control, he dried himself off, pulled on his pajamas and curled himself into his bed. Tonight, was not the night. He just needed to fall asleep and start again tomorrow. Twenty-seven days to go. That is all he had to wait. Twenty-seven days and this would all be over.

 

 **[Friday 6:44 p.m. | You]** _You have until graduation._


	11. Dean's POV

Monday morning took forever to come and Dean was a complete mess. Castiel had agreed to give him a chance to prove that he was worth being alive but he had not responded to Dean since then. Dean had no idea if Castiel was still alive or if he was sticking to his word. He could be dead for all that he knew. Dean had walked by Castiel’s house a few times to try and see but it was dark and showed no life at all. He hoped that was not a sign. He needed Castiel to be okay.

“Hey Sam?” Dean sat on the edge of his bed and pulled on his boots. “Can I ask you for some advice?”

“Seriously?” Sam raised an eyebrow when questioning Dean. Dean could understand the confusion. Normally, it was Dean giving brotherly advice, whether Sam had actually asked for it or not. Dean on the other hand never asked or really needed advice. And even if he was given it, the chances of him taking said advice were very slim. Dean made his own decisions and did his own things, that was the way the world worked for Dean.

“You and Jess have been together for a few years now,” Dean had always admired his brother’s ability to remain in a relationship. Sure, it was the only relationship that Sam had ever been in, but still, years was an impressive thing for someone who was only fourteen years old. Dean was sure that it was more Jess than Sam, but he wanted to give his brother the benefit of the doubt.

“Three,” Sam smiled at his brother proudly. Sam was crazy in love with her and had no problem telling anyone who would listen.

“Right,” Dean smiled and shook his head at his brother. “How could I not know that?”

“Anyways,” Dean continued with what he was getting at after pausing for a few moments. “How exactly have you pulled that off?”

“Teacher lady starting to get distant?” Sam questioned.

Was Sam talking about Lisa? Dean had not thought about Lisa since Friday. She had not even attempted to message him. That made it clear that they were over and he had no chance there. Dean was slightly disappointed; he could see himself with her for a long time. But right now, all he cared about was keeping Castiel alive. Even if that meant losing a potential girlfriend.

“Sure,” Dean didn’t really want to go into detail. “So, what do I do?”

“Well,” Sam seemed to think about this. “I give her lots of things that she likes.”

“God,” Dean acted disgusted, covering his eyes. “I don’t need to know things like that.”

“Jerk,” Sam didn’t sound amused. “Do you want my help or not?”

“Okay, okay,” Dean brought his focus back to Sam. “You give her things that she likes. Like flowers and junk?”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded. “Or chocolate or she loves bunnies, so I draw her pictures of bunnies.”

“That’s depressing,” Dean shook his head at his brother. “Don’t tell me you are turning into a girl on me.”

“Not turning into one,” Sam shot back, “But I seem to be able to keep one.”

“Touché, Sammy,” Dean agreed. “Touché.”

“So that’s a good start,” Sam pulled on his coat and backpack. “Give her stuff she likes.”

“I can do that.” Dean tried to think about things he knew Castiel liked.

“Ready?” Sam asked, headed for the door.

“Actually,” Dean had an idea. “I will see you at school. I have to run an errand really quick.”

“Don’t bring her flowers at school man,” Sam laughed. “You don’t want to get her in trouble.”

“I won’t,” Dean slapped Sam on the back and headed out the door. “Later, Bitch.”

_____

Dean arrived at school late, most classes already in session. He knew this was not going to look good for him but then again, he just had to pass the finals. They said nothing about him actually showing up to class. He would just study for his math final a little longer tonight to make up for the lost time.

“Hey,” Dean approached Garth, the janitor slash everything else you could think of, of the school. He didn’t just clean. He seemed to do a lot and had become pretty popular amongst the kids. Dean heard he also gave good advice. Maybe if this did not work, Dean would see if he had any suggestions.

“Ah, skipping class again Mr. Winchester,” Garth stated. Dean felt almost embarrassed but it was for a good cause.

“I need your help,” Dean didn’t have time to really get into it with Garth. “Can you possibly open someone’s locker for me?”

“No,” Garth didn’t even take the time to think about it before he answered Dean.

“I really need you to do this for me man,” Dean begged.

“Once again,” Garth turned to Dean. “No.”

“This is a serious matter,” Dean was moments from getting onto his knees to beg.

“You have one minute to convince me,” Garth gave Dean a fair offer.

“So, I have a friend,” Dean tried to tell Garth what was going on without setting off any alarms. He didn’t want Garth to report anything to the higher ups and get Castiel in some kind of trouble. “He has been going through a really hard time lately and I kind of wanted to leave a surprise for him in his locker to help brighten up his day.”

“It isn’t anything illegal, is it?” Garth inquired further.

“Not unless Twix and Doritos are suddenly illegal,” Dean hoped they weren’t. You couldn’t actually make a food product illegal, could you?

“Twix huh?” Garth smiled wide. “Twix is good.”

“I will give you one if you let me into his locker,” Dean reached into his bag and held out a Twix.

“Which locker?” Garth took the Twix from Dean.

“Thank you, man,” Dean smiled from ear to ear. “You are a hero. A real, life saver.”

If only Garth knew how much those words were true. These little things could save someone’s life. They could save Cas.


	12. Cas' POV

            Another morning came like déjà vu in the Novak house. There was fighting and screaming. Castiel fought himself, trying to make it through his shower without crying. He had cried himself out the night before and was glad no tears came. Castiel hated crying before school.

            At least today he did not have to share his hot water with Gabriel. In fact, Castiel could not even tell you the last time that Gabriel had been home. If it were not for the texts, he would have assumed that Gabriel had completely abandoned him. He assured Castiel though that things were going to get better and to give him some time. Time is not really something Castiel had left, not much anyways. The end could very well be today, but unfortunately, he had made a promise to wait. He was going to try and wait. Graduation was just around the corner.

            The only bright side of this was Gabriel was moving on with his life. If he could detach himself now, he would have an even easier time detaching himself once Castiel was gone. Though now, who knows how long it will be before his brother finds his body. He had always assumed that Gabriel was going to be the one. His parents would never even think to come looking for him. In fact, if days passed after graduation where they did not see his face, they would probably assume that he had just left like Gabriel. How long was his body going to have to wait for someone to notice that it was needing to be found?

            Those thoughts plagued Castiel’s mind as he robotically made his way through his classes. He was not really one that had to pay attention. He knew all the material, having read the book long before class was even underway. Class time was more about filling in the time that he had to get through. Even classes weren’t helping anymore though. As Castiel slipped further and further into depression, nothing helped him escape his life. This only reinforced his plan. Twenty-five days to go.

            ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Castiel’s mother’s words jumped into his mind from this morning. He remembered the feeling that washed over him when they escaped her mouth, directed at his father. Castiel, for once, agreed completely with his mother. He could not do this anymore. None of them could. Though unlike his parents, Castiel was not wanting to spend the rest of his life locked in a study or drinking away the pain. He just wanted to not have the pain at all.

            “I’ve decided on no more homework,” Ms. Mills smiled out over the classroom. “Y’all have enough to worry about studying for finals next week. So, this is my gift to you.”

            The class cheered at the news, all except Castiel. He could understand where the excitement came from but he enjoyed the homework. When he had things to focus on, he was better off. This was one less thing that he had to do and he needed to be able to do it. Unlike the other students, he did not really need to study for this class, so now he was left with nothing but more time to fill.

            The day had been horrible but now was time for the worst part. Funny how the worst part of his day was also the time he looked forward to. There was something about spending time with Dean Winchester that was freeing. But he knew that he could not get attached to Dean and it caused this time to be more of a heartache than anything else. The entire walk to his locker was spent coming up with excuses. How could he get out of tutoring Dean? Was he really the type of person to promise someone something and then not follow through on it? He had never had the chance to find out, so the answer was going to be a surprise to even him when it happens.

            “Hey Castiel,” Charlie waved at Castiel as he began to open his locker. Castiel admired the smile on her face and forced one back at her. She deserved a smile. “Pretty great about the no homework thing in Ms. Mills’ class huh?”

            “Yeah, it…” Castiel was cut off midsentence when he opened his locker and bags of chips and candy bars began to tumble out.

            “Wow,” Charlie bent down with Castiel and began to help him pick up the scattered junk food. “You always keep your locker stuffed with junk food?”

            “No,” Castiel shook his head, trying to piece it all together. This is not how he left his locker this morning. “I have no idea where this all came from.”

            “Nice,” Charlie nodded her head and smiled up at Castiel. “Looks like someone has a secret admirer.”

            “De…” Castiel stopped himself from saying Dean’s name out loud. Charlie was the one that Castiel had complained to about Dean. She did not need to know that it was Dean who had left this in his locker. He did not know for certain but the only person who could have done this was Dean. So, he changed his response for Charlie. “Probably someone who got the wrong locker.”

            “Yeah, sure,” Charlie laughed, handing Castiel an armful of stuff. “Well, enjoy your free mistaken food.”

            With that, Charlie waved a goodbye and carried on with wherever she was originally headed. Castiel waved back at her and gathered up what was left of the bags on the ground. What was he supposed to do with all this food? Sure, he was grateful, but still, it was a little on the awkward side; not to mention, excessive.

            Castiel grabbed a few bags of chips and a couple of candy bars and then began to make the walk to the library. If he was nervous before about seeing Dean before, he was even more nervous now. Castiel was not used to kind gestures or people giving a crap about him. Now was not the time for this kind of thing to start. There was no saving him. This was just a waste of Dean’s time.


	13. Dean's POV

              Dean arrived at the library before Castiel, which was both surprising but also great for him. Sam had informed Dean of this book of poems; he had checked it out one time and read them to Jess. Apparently, she was like butter afterwards; all melty. Dean knew that his relationship with Castiel was different than what Sam and Jess had, but Dean was desperate and would do whatever he needed to do at this point in time.

              “Hi,” Dean approached the large circular desk like area of the library. The blond woman who was typing away at the computer stopped and looked up at him. Dean stepped back slightly, not sure if she was angry for being interrupted or if this was just her normal face. “I am looking for a book.”

              “Well,” she sighed, looking Dean over with judging eyes. Okay, so he wasn’t the guy you found in libraries, but he could read. “You came to the right place then.”

              “Yeah, funny,” Dean faked a laughed, more nervous than he was before. “It’s called blank by blank. It’s a book of poems.”

              “I know what it is,” she glared at him, as if he had questioned her intelligence. She wasn’t very friendly for a librarian. Weren’t they supposed to be sweet old ladies who only got angry when you were being too loud or unruly? This woman looked like she was supposed to be a model but her dreams died and she ended up working in a library. Grade A bitch with the bleached blond hair to match. Dean would sleep with her.

              Dean expected to just get a slip of paper with information on how to find it, but soon, she was making her way out from behind the desk and motioning for Dean to follow her. It was closer than he expected and once she handed him the book, she walked away without another word. Sadly, for her, she had to deal with him a little longer. Dean made his way back over to where she took her seat and set the book on the counter.

              “I would like to check this out,” Dean informed her, lying his library card down on the table. Okay, so it was Sam’s library card, but it was not like it had his picture or anything on it. Sam had only made him promise to return the book; he liked being able to check books out and did not need Dean completely ruining that for him by racking up a ton of money in late book fees. Dean did not have plans on keeping the book for long though, so it was not a problem. He would just return it during his next tutoring session.

              “It’s due back in fourteen days,” she informed him, slipping his receipt behand the cover of the book.

              “Thank you,” Dean gave her a wink and slid the book into his backpack.

              “Hello, Castiel,” the woman behind the desk smiled brightly, causing Dean’s head to turn. Castiel had shown up. Dean did not expect him to turn up. Fuck. He was so happy he showed up.

              “Hello, Lilith,” He smiled over at the horrid woman before turning his attention to Dean. “Hello, Dean.”

              “Heya, Cas,” Dean smiled over at him, his heart still fluttering with excitement. Wait? Dean’s heart did not flutter. Castiel did not make Dean’s heart flutter. Right?

              “Cas?” Castiel asked with a tilt of his head; the entire exchange holding the attention of the librarian, who Dean had learned was named Lilith.

              “Yeah. Is that okay?” Dean asked, worried that he had done something wrong. “Castiel is just a mouthful.”

              “It’s fine,” Castiel nodded his agreement to the nickname. “No one has ever called me that before, outside of my brother.”

              “Your brother must be a cool guy,” Dean smiled.

              “He is,” Castiel agreed, smiling again at Lilith before heading toward a table.

              Dean followed Castiel to the table, who already had books laid out for them to work from. Dean took his seat and leaned back, kicking his feet up onto the table. This earned him a glare from both Castiel and Lilith, though neither of them said anything about it. If no one was going to complain, there was no reason as to why Dean had to put them down.

              The study session begins and Castiel is focused, not talking about anything outside of school work. Dean knew this was the point of the tutoring session but it was hard to convince someone that you cared about them when they were not really giving you a chance. Soon, Dean lost all ability to focus on the studying and Castiel noticed, unhappily, if Dean said so himself.

              “Please, Dean,” Castiel all but begged. “Can you just try and at least pay attention?”

              “Only if you promise to go grab a burger with me after,” Dean bargained. “And … actually talk to me.”

              “Fine,” Castiel sighed out his answer, claiming defeat. This actually made Dean happier than it should have. It meant that Castiel was not pushing him away. There was still a chance for Dean to get beneath the surface. “Just pay attention.”

              “You got it,” Dean nodded, pulling his feet off of the table and sitting up straight in his chair. He would do whatever Castiel wanted him to do.

              “You do want to pass,” Castiel leaned back in his chair, his blue eyes locking with Dean’s. Holy hell. How had Dean never noticed how damn blue his eyes were? “Don’t you?”

              “Of course, I do,” Dean promised, working to not break eye contact, but the feeling in his stomach was begging him to turn away. He didn’t. “I’m here. I am paying attention. I am sorry I stopped paying attention earlier.”

              “Okay,” Castiel nodded. “So …”

              They continued to study until seven in the evening. That was an hour longer than they had agreed upon but it was needed. Dean had hit a section of the math that he did not understand. After about seven different ways of Castiel trying to show him how to solve the problem, Dean finally found a way that worked for him. This pleased Castiel greatly and he smiled bigger than Dean had ever seen him smile. That smiled could change the world; it was already changing Dean’s.

              Once they decided to call it a night on the studying, they made the walk over to the diner. Dean was starving and he could tell by way Castiel ate, he was starving as well. Dean wondered why he seemed to eat like his life depended on it. Castiel came from money. Dean was the poor one. It should be Dean that was starving for food, not Castiel.

              “Usual times two,” Dean called over to Ellen who was standing behind the counter, reading over the newspaper. He then found them a booth towards the back. It was not crowded in the diner but it was the best spot for quiet conversations.

              “Thank you, Dean,” Castiel thanked Dean for the food before it even came.

              “Can I ask you a question?” Dean was never really good at holding his thoughts in. He said what came to his head and sometimes it was offensive. But, if you never asked, you never learned anything right.

              “I suppose,” Castiel nodded, though Dean could sense the hesitation coming from him.

              “Do you just have a bottomless stomach or do you not eat on purpose?” Dean asked, locking eyes with Castiel so he could not get away. “You are skinny as it is, you don’t really need to starve yourself or anything.”

              “That is a very personal question, Dean.” Castiel answered but it was not the answer that Dean was looking for.

              “Come on, Cas,” Dean leaned back in the booth and put his arm over the back of it. “I already know your darkest secret and I promised to keep that. How hard could the rest of it be to tell me. It’s not like I am going to go running to tell anyone.”

              “My parents don’t ever give me any money,” Castiel blurted out.

              “So,” Dean tried to put that information into something that actually meant something. “You don’t have money to buy food outside of home.”

              “Yeah,” Castiel nodded but then his face sank even more. “And there really isn’t any food at home.”

              “What?” Dean leaned forward, placing his elbows onto the table. “Why?”

              “My father, well, I am not really sure if he eats,” Castiel tilted his head to the side, as if he were trying to piece his answers together, just as Dean was. “And my mother, well, she spends all her money on alcohol. Having food in the house is rare. Sometimes my brother buys food, when he has money. But, it tends to be junk food or canned food. You can only eat so much of both of those before you decide just not to eat at all.”

              “Shit,” Dean breathed out, about to say more but was interrupted by their food being set down in front of them.

              “Here you go boys,” Ellen smiled down at both of them. “Two double bacon cheeseburgers with everything, fries on the side and two chocolate shakes. Also, I added more fries than usual. Growing boys need fries I say.”

              “Thank you, Ellen,” Dean gave her the biggest of smiles, reaching down and grabbing his burger up the best that he could for how big it was.

              “Yes,” Castiel smiled up at her as well. “Thank you.”


	14. Cas' POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: TRIGGERS. MENTION OF ATTEMPTED/SUICIDE

            Finals were three days away and both Castiel and Dean were in full study mode. They had gone from meeting every other day to spending almost all of their time together. They had spent a good chunk of that really getting to know each other but Castiel worked to put a nail in that. They needed to focus on finals. Dean needed to focus on anything that was not Castiel. Even if Castiel was growing to like the attention … and the food.

            Once Dean found out that Castiel was not eating enough, he was constantly feeding Castiel. It had gone so far as to Dean actually buying groceries for Castiel’s house. How Dean came up with this money was beyond Castiel but he did not argue it. Dean was not going to take no for an answer and Castiel liked eating. He especially liked eating fresh fruits and vegetables. If Dean did not care about him, he sure was going out of his way for nothing.

            “I really need to get headed home,” Castiel finally broke the silence in their study session. He knew that Dean no longer really needed his help and so, there was no point in trying to keep himself awake longer than he needed. “I can barely keep my eyes open.”

            “Can I walk you?” Dean asked though both of them knew the answer. If Castiel were to say no, Dean would insist on it. They would argue back and forth for a while and then Dean would end up walking him home anyways. Castiel was too tired to fight, so he just nodded a simple yes.

            When Castiel got home, the lights were on and there was a smell coming from the kitchen. He had gotten used to being in the kitchen lately but he had not been home all day and so the smell was no a result of him. Upon entering the kitchen, he spotted his father standing at the stove, cooking something and drinking a beer. Curiosity got the best of Castiel and he made his way all the way into the room.

            “What are you doing?” Castiel brought himself to ask, the words almost getting stuck in his throat. He could not remember the last time he had spoken actual words to his father. Was this his father? Had aliens possessed him finally?

            “Cooking,” his father answered without looking away from the stove. “Would you like a beer?”

            “Uh,” Castiel was not sure what to do but he did not think he should pass this moment up. His father was offering to what, spend time with him? “Sure.”

            Castiel followed the tilt of his dad’s head and reached for a beer sitting beside him on the counter. There were three other bottles sitting on the counter that had already been drank. Castiel twisted the top off and put it to his lips, wanting to do it fast before his father changed his mind. It was disgusting and beautiful all at the same time, so he took another pull.

            “Why are you cooking?” Castiel finally brought himself to ask more questions. He didn’t want to ruin the moment but something was going on and he wanted to know what it was.

            “I was hungry,” he answered with a slight irritation in his voice, as if Castiel should have known the answer to his question already. “There was food in the fridge, which was surprising.”

            “Yeah,” Castiel nodded, moving to the other side of the kitchen and sitting down at the table. “I have been grocery shopping lately.”

            “Well, it might have to stay that way,” he informed Castiel, reaching up into the cupboard and grabbing some seasoning. Castiel couldn’t remember if his father had been a good cook or not. It was possible that he was about to find out.

            “Why is that?”

            “Because I know nothing about grocery shopping,” he laughed, turning to face Castiel. His father leaned against the counter and finished off his beer. He then reached for another one and twisted off the cap. “Your mother has finally lost her mind and decided to leave us?”

            Castiel spits out the drink that he had just consumed, searching his father’s face for the joke. He wasn’t joking. Why wasn’t he joking? What did he mean that his mother had left? Where did she go? Was she coming back? Did she even mention him when she left?

            “What do you mean, she left us?”

            “I had a meeting today with a publisher for this new book I have been writing,” Castiel didn’t know he was writing a new book. That was a good thing … wasn’t it? “When I got home, I went to talk to her and all of her stuff was gone. Poof. Gone.”

            “Where did she go?” Castiel hoped there was something more. Things were going to be okay, she was going to come back.

            “Not a clue,” he shrugged his shoulder and turned his attention back to the food. “She didn’t leave a note. Just left.”

            Castiel looked toward the wall, working to fight back his tears. This was not supposed to happen. She was supposed to be here when he got home, sitting in her chair. She wasn’t supposed to leave him, he was supposed to leave her. She was ruining everything.

            Castiel’s father moved over to the table and sat down a plate of food in front of him; also setting down a plate for himself. He then disappeared for a brief moment into the living room before returning, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and two glasses in the other. He didn’t even ask Castiel if he wanted any before pouring them both a drink and putting a glass in front of Castiel. He took it, downing it before he even had time to think about what he was doing. Suddenly, the glass was no longer empty.

            Neither one of them spoke. They ate, the food was amazing, and they drank. And they drank and finally, there was nothing left in the bottle to consume. Castiel almost hoped his father would go find another bottle of something, even though he knew he was drunker than any person should ever be, but he didn’t. His father cleaned up their plates and glasses before turning and heading out of the kitchen, not another word spoken to Castiel.

            Drunk, Castiel carried himself up the stairs, holding on to the railings for as much support as he could. His mother was right, she couldn’t do this anymore. Just like Castiel had been right when he heard her say it … neither could he. He could not do this anymore.

 

 **[Saturday 1:26 a.m. | You]** _I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore._


	15. Dean's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER: ATTEMPTED/SUICIDE

            Dean had somehow made things better with Lisa. Really, it was her. A few weeks ago, she had texted him and apologized for being selfish. She knew that he needed to graduate and she was just being jealous. Dean had never had anyone apologize to him before and somehow, it worked. He was right back in her bed whenever he could be. He had been spending a lot of time with Castiel lately, but he explained that Castiel really needed a friend and he was trying to be a good one. She seemed to understand this, noticing herself that Castiel had become more withdrawn this school year.

            But Castiel had gone home and Dean had decided to make his way over to Lisa’s house. She made them dinner, they caught up on each other’s lives and then like clockwork, they were laying in her bed, making out like their lives depended on it. But something was not right. Dean was there, he knew he was there, but he also … wasn’t. It was taking all of his focus just to try and get his dick hard and she knew it.

            “Is something wrong?” Lisa pulled away from him, both worry and frustration flicking across her face.

            “I just feel like something … I don’t know,” Dean sat himself up on the edge of the bed. “Maybe finals are really starting to get to me. I’m sorry Lis, I don’t know what’s wrong. You deserve better.”

            “Oh, shut up,” she slapped him playfully on the shoulder. “You are stressed out right now. We don’t have to do this. We can just cuddle. Who knows, maybe you can even sleep her for the night.”

            “Really?” Dean raised his eyebrow at her.

            “Really,” she pulled him back down into a kiss.

            “Can I maybe take a shower really quick?” Dean did not get a chance to shower this morning and he didn’t want to go to bed without one.

            “Yes, Dean.” She rolled her eyes at him. “You are more than welcome to take a shower here.”

            “Awesome,” Dean leaned down and captured her lips with his. “You are the best.”

            “Don’t forget it,” she called after him.

            Dean closed the door behind him and began to empty his pockets, setting his phone down on the counter. That is when he noticed the green light that would flash when he had a text message. He thought about ignoring it, it was two in the morning, but it could be an emergency. It could be Sam.

           

 **[Saturday 1:26 a.m. | Castiel]** _I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore._

            Dean felt his heart stop and not in a metaphorical way. His entire body pained at the feeling of his heart skipping a very important beat and it almost brought him to his feet. What did Castiel mean? Did he mean that he could not help Dean or that he couldn’t be friends with Dean? Or did he mean ….? _Oh, God._ The letter of Castiel’s flashed repeatedly through his mind. He can’t. He wouldn’t. _He would._

Dean flung open the bathroom door and made his way across the room. He quickly put on his shoes, barely bothering to lace them all the way. He then made his way toward the door, Lisa hot on his heels.

            “Where are you going?” She demanded an answer.

            “I have to go,” Dean didn’t have time to explain. “I will explain everything later.”

            “Seriously?” Lisa sounded angry and for the first time, Dean hated her; he never imagined that would be possible. “You really are worthless. I gave you a second chance. I was doing you a favor.”

            Dean was out of her apartment before she could say any more. He did not have time to argue with her. She was not worth his time. Castiel was in trouble, that was all that matter to Dean and he needed to hurry. The message came a little over a half an hour ago. What if he was too late?

            Dean could not take any chances. He called the cops and informed them that his friend had told him that he was going to kill himself tonight and that he kept calling but no one was answering. Luckily, they took his call seriously and Dean gave them Castiel’s address. Hopefully, they would be able to make it in time.

            Dean ran the entire way to Castiel’s house. His heart was beating faster than humanly necessary and he could barely breathe but he had to get there. He had to save Castiel. Castiel needed to be alive. _Please._ Dean was not sure who he was begging to, he had never been one to believe in any sort of God. _I need him. Please, let him be okay._

            When Dean arrived at Castiel’s house, he could see the ambulance approaching. He knew he should wait, he could not just break into Castiel’s house; could he? _Yes, you moron. Hurry._ Dean twisted the knob and thankfully, it was unlocked; that saved him the trouble of having to break into the house.

            Dean quickly made his way inside, spotting a man passed out on the couch. From the information he knew about Castiel, he assumed it was Chuck Novak, Castiel’s father. Dean decided not to wake him, there wasn’t time. Instead, he found himself running up the stairs, opening every door he came to, calling out Castiel’s name.

            Time stopped and Dean couldn’t move. When he finally found Castiel, laying in a pool of red, body pale and lifeless, he felt like the world had exploded around him. He was screaming, he knew he was screaming. Was he screaming?

            Paramedics moved passed Dean, pushing him to the side. Finally, all of the sounds came rushing back and Dean could hear everything. He could hear them telling him that he needs to leave the room, just as well as he could hear his own heart beating. He didn’t want to leave but they were insistent.

            Dean slowly made his way down the stairs to find Castiel’s father now awake, talking to one of the paramedics. He couldn’t answer any of the questions they had for him.

            “I thought he had gone up to bed,” Chuck answered them.

            “I had time,” Dean mumbled, pulling the attention toward him. “I was supposed to have time.”

            The world starts moving again. Dean’s phone is ringing in his pocket. It’s Lisa. He declines the call. It rings again. Castiel is being brought down the stairs on a stretcher and the next thing Dean knows, Castiel and his father are gone, taken away by the ambulance. Dean was alone, his phone still ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone who has stuck with me. After this, there are two more chapters to put up and then we are done. I can't believe it is almost here. I hope that you guys have enjoyed and loved this story as much as I have. Sorry about this last chapter ... I promise it will get better ... I hope.


	16. Cas' POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost to the end. Again, I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me through this story. It is one of the first full-length stories that I have ever completed and I am super proud of myself for it. I know this story has reached some dark places but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I would love at the end, one more chapter after this, to hear what people thought. I want to be able to keep putting out good quality stories for all of you and your feedback is the best way for me to know how I am doing and what people want. Again, thank you and WE ARE ALMOST THERE, YAY!!

            Castiel couldn’t move but everything hurt. He fought against whatever was holding him down. Was this Hell? Did he go to Hell? He supposed that is what he deserved. He remembered hearing one time that people who killed themselves were not welcome in Heaven. That made sense. The world of the living did not want people like him, why should Heaven. Hell is exactly where he belonged.

            Suddenly there was a blinding light and he had to close his eyes so tight. What was going on? Where was he? Time passed by but soon, he could open his eyes and take in his surroundings. He was not in Heaven, nor was he in Hell; no, Castiel was in a damn hospital bed. He was alive. Why did they save him? Why did he send that message to Dean? Had Dean even showed up or would it just be his luck that Gabriel would come over or his father would want to talk to him?

            “There you are,” a voice spoke softly from somewhere near him. Castiel tried to turn but he was stuck to the bed; no, he was restrained to the bed. They had him in restraints. Why? Was he a threat to them? Did they think that he was going to try again? Ok, so maybe they thought he was going to try again, which he was going to, as soon as he was free of the cuffs around his wrists. “We have been wondering if you were going to wake up.”

            “How..." Castiel tried to speak but his mouth was dry and his voice cracked. The woman, who Castiel assumed was a nurse, held out a straw for him to drink. Castiel sucked down the cold water. It almost burned it was so foreign to his body, but at the same time, it was completely refreshing and just what he needed to find his voice again. “How long have I been here?”

            “Six days,” she informed him and he had to fight back tears. He had been forced to stay alive for six whole days.

            _FINALS!_ His mind screamed at him. He had done all of this and just before finals. Dean was going to do something stupid like not show up for finals and fail. He would not get his father’s car. He would not get out of that house. He would not get to graduate and all because Castiel could not keep his promise. Though, to be fair with himself, he never was sure if he was going to be able to keep it. But in Dean’s eyes, Castiel had let him down. That made him want to die even more.

            “You are lucky to be alive,” she continued talking, realizing that Castiel was not going to say anything more. “The people who love you have barely left your side. They are in the waiting room now. We had to run some tests before you woke up, so they were asked to wait outside. I could go get them if you like?”

            “People ... who love me?” Castiel would have laughed if he had the energy to do so.

            “Yes,” she said firmly, placing her hand on his should. “The people who love you.”

            Castiel wanted to argue with her more but she gave him a look that told him he was not going to win. Not like he had a choice in who came to see him. He was restrained to a fucking bed.

            “Fuck,” Castiel mumbled to himself when she left the room. How the hell was he going to get himself out of this? There had to be a way to stop it all now.

            Castiel tried to hold his breath, that would work, right? Wrong. Apparently, that was not an effective way of taking your own life. Whether you wanted it to happen or not, your body would take control and force you to breathe. “I hate you,” he mumbled to his stupid body.

            “Castiel?” A very soft voice entered the room. If Castiel could not turn his head and see that it was his father who entered the room, he never would have been able to guess that it was him. “Hey, buddy.”

            Castiel had nothing to say to him. This was, in all fairness, mostly his fault. If he had not become so obsessed with his books and neglected his family, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe he would have continued talking to Castiel over the years, letting him know that he was important. Maybe his mother never would have started drinking. His mother used to be wonderful before her husband ruined it all. Castiel took it back, this was all his father’s fault. So, he just looked at the ceiling, determined to not say a word to the man.

            “This is all my fault, huh?” It was strangely scary that his father could read his mind but he still did not answer. “I should have been there for you. You needed me and all I cared about were my stupid books. I let you down.”

            “Leave,” Castiel choked out the words as he fought back the tears.

            Chuck nodded at his son, tears filling up his own eyes, but he complied. He looked over Castiel for a few more moments before quietly exiting the hospital room.

            Castiel tried to calm himself down but he didn’t have time, the door opening again. He thought it was his father coming back to try and make this better, but it wasn’t; it was Gabriel. This time, Castiel could not hold back the tears.

            “What were you thinking baby Novak?” Gabriel asked with such sadness in his voice.

            “I couldn’t do it anymore.” The was the best excuse that he had. But, it was not an excuse, it was just the truth.

            “I get it,” Gabriel moved over and sat on the edge of Castiel’s bed. “Thought about it many times myself.”

            “You what?”

            “Yep,” Gabriel nodded. “Came close my Senior year as well.”

            “What stopped you?”

            “Kali.”

            “That one chick you dated who treated you like crap?”

            “Yep,” Gabriel smiled fondly. “She still treats me like crap when she decides she wants to be a couple.”

            “I didn’t have that,” Castiel turned away from his brother so that Gabriel could not see the lie. He did have that. It was not a girl. It was not someone he was dating, but it was still someone. He had Dean. He could have stayed alive for Dean. Dean was worth that, right?

            “That is where you are wrong,” Gabriel grabbed Castiel’s hand and squeezed it tight. “But that's not why I am here.”

            “Okay,” Castiel quirked his eyebrow up at his brother.

            “I want you to move in with me.”

            “What?”

            “I just got into my new two-bedroom apartment. I would like for you to move in.”

            “I can’t do that.”

            “Why not?”

            “I don’t want to be a burden.”

            “You are not a burden. You have never been a burden and you are moving in.”

            “Gabriel.”

            “No arguing. I have already packed up your stuff and started moving it over.”

            “You're crazy.”

            “And you're not the first person to tell me that baby Novak.”

            “Stop calling me that.”

            “Only if you agree to move in with me.”

            “Fine. Though it doesn’t appear I really had a choice.”

            “Nope,” Gabriel stood up and squeezed Castiel’s hand again. “I will see you in a little bit, not so baby Novak.”

            “I hate you.”

            “I hate you too.”

            Gabriel smiled at Castiel one more time before exiting the room. He did not plan on living with Gabriel. He was going to finish what he started. He had no desire to be alive. Just because people want to come visit him just because he is in the hospital, that doesn’t change how he feels. That doesn’t make him want to be …

            “Cas?”

            Castiel’s head snapped toward the door so quickly that he felt it was going to come off. That would have been an interesting way to die; head whipping in one direction so fast you self-decapitate yourself. All those thoughts faded away when he saw Dean. _Dean._

“Dean, I’m…” Castiel began to speak but Dean raised his hand, forcing Castiel to stop.

            “I can’t believe you fucking did that to me.” Dean began. Castiel was both happy that Dean had so much to say but also slightly angry. This was not about Dean, this was about Castiel. “You promised me that I had at least until Graduation. You were supposed to be there when I passed my finals, which I did. But you weren’t fucking there. All you cared about was yourself. You complained over and over again about how nobody cared about you. But did you ever take the time to maybe care about someone else? No, of course not.”

            “Dean,” Castiel tried to talk again but Dean moved over toward the bed, causing the words to get stuck in his throat.

            “Why can’t you see that I fucking need you Castiel?” Dean asked, not giving him a chance to answer before he crashed their lips together.

            For Castiel’s first kiss, it was nothing like he imagined. It was not soft and gentle, it was hard and forceful and he was sure his lips were going to bleed, but Dean did not let up and he did not want him to. Instead, Castiel kissed back just as hard as he could, considering he had no access to his arms.

            Suddenly, Castiel was wet and panting. Why was he wet? Opening his eyes, he could see Dean hovering over him, tears falling from his eyes.

            “You passed your finals?” Castiel finally asked.

            “Yes,” Dean laughed, though the tears continued to fall. “I passed. I talked to them about you taking yours, but they said it was not important. You have one hundred percent in all your classes; which means you don’t have to take your finals. So, you kind of passed as well.”

            “I am very proud of you Dean,” Castiel swallowed hard. How could he have allowed himself to miss out on this moment in Dean’s life?

            “Graduate with me, please,” Dean begged, going as far as to drop to his knees. “Stay alive with me. Go to college with me. I need you. Please, stay with me.”

            “Okay,” Castiel nodded. He could try. He couldn’t promise, but he could try.


	17. FINAL CHAPTER

            Castiel was released from the hospital in time to attend graduation. No one seemed to trust him though, considering that someone was always by his side. Dean had even enlisted his brother one time to babysit when Dean had something important to do and Gabriel had to work. Castiel had no plans on taking his life today or tomorrow, but he would not lie and say that the thoughts were not there. He thought about life and death every day. Thankfully, today, the life side of the argument was winning. It was not a clear path from here but it felt like it could almost be a bearable one.

            When they offered Castiel the valediction speech but he declined. He had no desire to talk in front of the entire school, or anyone for that matter. He had Dean and Gabriel, he didn’t need anyone else to notice him right now. In fact, he truly hoped that no one would notice him.

            “I am glad to see that you are doing okay,” A voice came up behind Castiel.

            Castiel turned around and fought back tears when he saw Charlie, along with Balthazar. He had kind of ignored them for most of the year, even more so this last month. They cared to. Castiel tried many times to convince himself otherwise, but he knew they cared. He had been so blinded by all the bad that he was unable to see any good in his life. More people than he could ever imagine cared about him.

            “Yes. Thank you.” Castiel allowed for Charlie to pull him into a hug and he allowed himself to hug her back. Balthazar, never being one to care about awkward situations, wrapped his arms around both and squeezed them tight.

            “Are we ready for this?” Balthazar asked.

            “As ready as I am ever going to be,” Charlie answered and Castiel nodded his agreement.

            “Where is Winchester?” Balthazar asked Castiel, looking around. It was not like they spent every moment together, though they did.

            “I don’t actually know,” Castiel looked around with him, curious as to where Dean was. Dean had begged for Castiel to be here and now he was nowhere to be seen.

            “I am sure he will be here soon,” Charlie smiled, running her hand down Castiel’s gown covered arm. “Let’s go get ready. Graduation is in ten minutes.”

            Castiel, Charlie, and Balthazar made their way to the hallway of the auditorium. It was predicted to rain, so they had moved the graduation inside. Both Charlie and Balthazar looked in through the window, trying to spot their families. Castiel did not care. He knew Gabriel was out there, that was all that he needed to know. That, and where the hell was Dean?

            Dean still had not arrived by the time they all walked into the auditorium and took their seats. Castiel was growing angry, wishing he had not left his phone in Gabriel’s car. Dean had promised he would be here. He needed to be here. Castiel was here. All for Dean and now … nothing.

            Graduation dragged on, many people having something to say. Castiel wondered who they gave the valedictorian speech to. He assumed that it would be Charlie, but she was sitting in her assigned seat like everyone else, not up on the stage where she should be sitting. Maybe they just were not going to have one today.

            “We are going to be doing something a little different today,” Crowley’s voice grew serious, causing the entire auditorium to quiet down to just a whisper. “Normally, we would have the valedictorian give a speech but he declined due to personal reasons. Instead, someone else has asked to take his place. I thought about saying no but then I decided that if he was willing to go above and beyond to pull himself back from rock bottom, then maybe he had something he could share with you. Graduates, friends and family, please welcome Dean Winchester to the stage.”

            Castiel could literally feel his mouth drop open in surprise, along with almost every other student sitting in the auditorium. Of all people to be giving a speech at graduation, Dean was not someone anyone would expect, not even Castiel.

            “Good afternoon,” Dean spoke into the microphone, his voice cracking. Castiel could tell that he was nervous. He cleared his throat one or two times before continuing. “I know a lot of you are wondering why I am standing up here today. Dean Winchester: Class screw up. And you would all be right. My entire life I have done nothing but mess up. I skipped classes, dated way too many people and even made the lives of some of you a living hell. Dean Winchester: Class asshole. Excuse my language.

            But, there is one person that none of you have ever got the chance to meet. In fact, up until a month ago, I didn’t know he existed either. That person is Dean Winchester: High School Graduate. A little over a month ago, Principal Crowley pulled me into his office. You know, just another day.” There was an uproar of laughter, which soon died down so Dean could continue. “I went in with my head held high, ready to argue like I always did but instead, I was introduced to another student. That student was Castiel Novak.”

            Castiel looked around at his classmates, all eyes searching for him, some finding him. He wanted to be embarrassed, but he didn’t have time. Dean was still speaking and he truly wanted to hear what he had to say.

            “Crowley informed me that I was failing all of my class.” Dean continued. “That’s right. Not one class; all of my classes. But he offered me a deal. He told me that if I could pass all of my finals, I would get to graduate. I laughed at him. There was no way I was going to be able to pass all my finals. That is where Castiel came into play. He was going to tutor me. I felt bad for him, I really did. He had to deal with me, Dean Winchester: Procrastinator galore.

            But he gave me a chance and I'm so glad he did. Because, in this last month, not only have I passed all my finals and graduated from High School, I met the most important person in my life, besides my baby brother that is.” Dean pointed to where he obviously knew where Sam was and winked. “But Castiel became more than just my tutor, he became my best friend. I’ve never had one of those.”

            “So,” Dean began to speak again, after what felt like the longest pause Castiel had ever had to sit through. “I guess what I am trying to say is this. Every single person in this world is important, whether they see it or not. Whether you see it or not. Give people chances. Don’t judge books by their covers. I have known Castiel since Kindergarten but I never actually knew him. Why? Because I didn’t take the time to say hello. No matter where you end up in life, I encourage you to say hello to people. You never know how they could change your life, or how you might be able …” Dean’s voice cracked again and Castiel felt the tears forming behind his eyes. “or how you might be able to save there’s. Congratulations class of 2017 … and Hi.”

_____

Castiel did not go to the after-graduation party. He didn’t really feel like being surrounded by alcohol or people consuming alcohol. Dean had offered to stay in and hang out with him, they could do their own celebrating with tea and movies, but Castiel declined. Dean worked hard to graduate from High School, he deserved to go have a little fun. It took a lot of convincing, but Dean finally agreed to go and live it up.

            Castiel spent the evening watching boring shows on television with Gabriel and going to bed early. He still had not convinced himself to die again, but he changed one thing for another. Now, all Castiel wanted to do was sleep.

            The next morning, Castiel was woken up by loud knocks on the door. It was Sunday, which meant that Gabriel was at work. That meant that he was going to have to get out of bed and answer the door himself. It took him a few minutes but he finally was able to pull on some pajama pants and drag his feet to the door.

            “Dean,” he let out a breath when he opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

            “I'm here every morning,” Dean gave Castiel a confused look.

            “But you graduated,” Castiel was not sure where the words were coming from.

            “Yeah,” Dean cocked his head to the side. “I graduated long before graduation.”

            “I just mean,” Castiel hung his head low. “Why are you here?”

            “What?”

            “I just don’t understand why you're here.”

            “Why would you even ask me that?”

            “It’s just,” Castiel worked to find the right words, all of them painful. “You graduated. You don’t need me anymore.”

            “Are you serious right now?”

            “I just thought you would be done with me.”

            “Did you not hear my speech?” Dean asked as he pushed his way into the apartment Castiel now shared with Gabriel.

            “I did,” Castiel nodded. “And it was wonderful.”

            “Obviously you didn't listen very hard.”

            “I know you care about me Dean,” Castiel began but Dean stopped him.

            “Care about you?” Dean grabbed Castiel’s arms and almost shook him. “I don’t just fucking care about you.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “You know,” Dean finally lets him go. “For someone who is crazy smart, you are kind of stupid.”

            “Thanks,” Castiel grew angry, moving away from Dean. “Anything else?”

            “Yeah,” Dean grabbed Castiel again and pulled him into him, crashing their lips together just as he did at the hospital, only after a few moments, it became soft, just like Castiel had imagined a first kiss would be. He went to kiss Dean back but Dean pulled away, his mouth only inches from Castiel. “I love you, you idiot.”

            “You do?”

            Dean answered with a kiss. Soft, tender and so full of emotion Castiel could taste it. _I love you too, Dean Winchester._ He screamed the words over and over again in his head, not daring to pull away. _I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. I hope that you all enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Who knows, maybe some time stamps will be added down the line so we can see where these two end up. Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while posting this story up. I write these stories for me but it definitely feels good when other people notice the hard work and dedication you put into something.


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